I paint the parts that I hope I’ll soon finally heal.
I paint the parts to remind myself the invisible is still real.
-S. Busler
My anatomy studies started as an exercise to understand medical jargon during my doctor appointments. As I navigated finding answers for my complex health disorders, I began investigating and painting the parts I wished to heal. Currently, my health affects me systemically, meaning from head to toe. I balance almost a dozen specialists and have multiple conditions I was diagnosed with. As I processed and learned to care for my body, I began to build a physical body of work. A body that could be defined, controlled, understood and predictable. I consider these bodies of work to be created in the spirit of art therapy. They allow me to better conceptualize and assign emotions to the memories and experiences during my walk as a caretaker who lives and rents space within a temperamental body.
“I call this path of intersection my Awareness of Recurrent Trauma (ART).”
S. Busler
On my harder days, the pain filled days, my mind naturally creates a lens that casts a dark shadow on the constant symptoms I navigate. The trauma I face is linked to my never ending medical intervention and medical gas lighting. Suffering when in symptom flares and from side effects from treatments & medications should be noted as well. It’s a constant waltz to maintain appointments, appeal denials from insurance, keep up with network and treatment changes and face treatments for my dysfunctions. Being tied to conditions that have no cures, only symptom management, I now explore ways to connect with my body without constantly feeling defeated, angry and like a trauma victim. I educate myself and center myself by challenging my inner artist to capture anatomical likeliness of the part I’m painting. I pair this action with thoughts and intentions so I can better connect my brain to the reality of my situations. My first instincts are often explanations my mind falsely creates while in survival mode. My favorite outlet and activity to help facilitate this work is painting.
This painting path allows me to emotionally process my journey and feel in control. It’s a physical act of making marks to note the almost invisible symptoms that command my attention. My self guided art therapy became combined with professional cognitive behavioral therapy to walk a path of emotional healing. I call this path of intersection my Awareness of Recurrent Trauma (ART).
What is self guided art therapy?
I record my experiences to encapsulate and help validate my sometimes misplaced or misunderstood physical sensations and emotions. My artwork and making creates a physical record of it’s existence and physical realness. My energy towards this calling promotes a form of inner healing and self-awareness. Each day is a step towards my wellness, wholeness and a chance to address the recurrent trauma that comes with managing a chronic illness. My approach is connected to neuroplasticity of the brain. I create a new association with emotions to my memories and experiences while reflecting on the journey in totality. Introducing art into my experiences created a meditation through the action of making. Over time, my art therapy became a ritual and compulsive, I’m sure it relates to my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). My new connections come from a place of intention, education and then a creation emerges. Without this practice, my associations are either disconnected to my emotions or assigned during the chaotic or crisis situation. Instead of dysfunction, my actions are at least an illusion of control through the physical action of making. We often can have a new perspective or emotion that emerges over time and reflection. For the memories that are traumatic or the parts of my body that are forever being monitored, I’d like to find a new peace with the parts.
Neuroplasticity and reconditioning the body and mind connection gives the illusion of control. That illusion opens a direct path to associate my stress and discomfort that comes with being chronically ill to productive and have a better visual understanding of what the illness means. Having less left for the imagination after the exercise and a better perspective and reply to the tricks the mind can play during hard times.
Anatomy Heart, 2022
I’m a trifecta patient- Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, Mast Cell Activation Syndrome and Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome
I have Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS) and it’s a form of dysautonomia. My POTS is linked to more than one comorbidity that makes it more complex and harder to treat. I’ve had POTS since childhood and at a time where we did not know a lot about this condition. It caused me to experience medical gas lighting that is likely due to the lack of knowledge at the time. These experiences were paired with my genuine efforts to find relief and treatments so being in medical settings can cause me great anxiety.
Finding out you needed to see a heart specialist likely for the rest of your life was no easy concept for me to wrap my head around either.
Radioactive Eggs 99mTc-SC, 2022
One of the many tests I took involved studying how quickly I digest my food. In order to measure this I was required to consume a measured amount of food. Among my designated food was eggs with radioactive tracer. Technetium-99m Sulfur colloid tastes like sulfur and creates an almost burning, spicy flavor. Yes, I did have a Geiger counter go crazy when it scanned over my stomach.
Quietly Under Pressure, 2023
This is what it feels like to me… I’m blowing a bubble with my eardrum from the inside out. A piercing and stretched pain. It’s like listening to the world underwater but just with one ear. The waves breaking are rhythmic with the flow of my artery. The sloshing makes me seasick sometimes and the floor moves beneath my feet. I can hear the cicadas in my ear but they never stop to take a breath.
In Plain Sight, 2024
I know this one might be hard to look at but this body part was awful to feel. Sharp pains, vision changes, lines appear wavy, letters tilting in words and constant squeezing sensations. It was difficult to get someone to listen to me and it was easy for them to dismiss my pain. It turned out that I have a fourth cranial nerve palsy of my left eye. My muscles do not move my eye properly and my issues have been progressive, which is why it was so painful these last several years. POTS CAN affect your eyes as well. I have issues with pupil dilation and it causes bright lighting to be painful. I now have special prism glasses with a tint, so I can see much better. The pain has been so much better too. Some things cannot be corrected like my tilted letters and wavy sentences but I’m learning to accept it and take breaks from reading.
